Goodbye, Hopes of Looking Half-Decent

#11. 
That moment when you realize that for the next several months, you're just going to have to settle for looking like an inflated, unkempt version of yourself.

I hope my husband really loves me...I mean, REALLY loves me. Because the sexy version of his wife may not be returning for quite some time.

I don't mind gaining weight in my belly; in fact, it's fun and cute to have a little baby bump. But I'm not one of those women who miraculously looks exactly the same as she did pre-pregnancy, save for her bump. Oh no. I am quickly developing chubby fingers, thick thighs, back fat, lovehandles, and a double chin.

I am too inflexible to make a decent attempt at shaving my legs.

My blonde highlights have grown out so that I am a brunette on the top half of my head and a blonde on the bottom. It's really an unflattering look.

My face is sprinkled with blemishes, and concealer is no match for my under-eye circles.

Thank goodness I have a notoriously gassy black lab to blame things on, because my indigestion and gas are the polar opposite of sexy.

I no longer fit into my regular jeans, and my maternity jeans make me feel like I'm wearing a saggy diaper, so I've taken to wearing sweatpants at all times.

Hey, at least I have these giant boobs. I think in my husband's mind, they make up for a lot.

Clear Plastic Cup, I Can't Fill You Up

#10.
That moment when you're at the OB's office and the nurse demands that you pee in a cup, and even though you have to go ALL THE TIME every other moment of every day, you suddenly get stagefright and can't perform on command. 

This happens to me every single time I go to the doctor. I'm pregnant; you'd think I'd be able to pee at the drop of a hat. But for some reason, when I'm in that sterile little bathroom with the sanitizing wipes and plastic cups, hovering over the toilet with my hand so gracefully stuck through my thighs just waiting to get splashed, my bladder gets stagefright.

This time, I even brought a water bottle and chugged it on my way to the doctor's office. But to no avail...I was still locked in that bathroom for a good ten minutes, telling myself, "Come on....you can do it!," as if I were Kerri Strug trying to win it all for the Americans.

My next appointment is my 20-week ultrasound, where I anticpate having the total opposite problem. They ask that you drink an obscene amount of water beforehand...something like 2 liters. This doesn't sound like a pleasant experience for anyone involved. I'm going to have to break the seal before the appointment even starts.

Pregnancy "Glow": A Huge Lie.

#9.
That moment when you start to suspect that the "pregnancy glow" is a mythical thing made up by people who have never been pregnant. 

My face is breaking out a la 1995, when I was fifteen and my skin care routine consisted of cheap makeup and Stridex pads. My eyes have impossibly dark circles underneath them, making me look like a sunken-eyed mummy just in time for Halloween. My skin is dry and itchy. I cannot color my hair, so my roots are now several inches long -- not a good look.

The LAST thing I feel is "glowing."

Seriously, I think the zits on my face are starting to form constellations....here's a quick shot of the Big Dipper forming on my cheek. See what I mean?

I must not be the only pregnant women to feel less than glowing during the nine months. It makes me suspicious that "You're positively glowing!" is just a default thing people tell pregnant women so they don't end up inadvertently saying something like, "Oh my gosh, you're HUGE!" or "What do you have in there, a watermelon?"

Maybe with a good sugar scrub, I can coax this mythical glow out from the shadows. But for now, I'm spending a fortune on concealer.

An Ode to Caffeine

An Ode to Caffeine

It's Monday again

I'm pregnant and tired

Wanting "real" coffee

To be hopped up and wired.

I stare at the Keurig

It's gathering dust

On a day like today,

A caffeine high is a must.

I want to feel jitters
And that energy burst
Being stuck without coffee
Is simply the worst.

But I'll stick to the decaf

And hot chocolate and cider

While my baby grows healthy

And my belly grows wider!

If I have to wear anything but stretch pants, I'm not going.

#8. 
That moment when you realize that your outfit options for the next six months consist of "stay-at-home" stretchy pants or the similar but slightly less stained and worn "going-out" stretchy pants, each paired with whatever sweatshirt or top will fit over your growing-by-the-second belly and boobs. 

I do own a pair each of maternity jeans and khakis. But as my belly takes over, I find that anything but yoga pants just doesn't cut it. The more stretch, the better. I never thought I'd seriously consider buying a pair of Pajama Jeans, but they're looking pretty good these days.

It's not uncommon that whenever faced with the prospect of going somewhere, my first thought is, "Can I wear stretchy pants there?" If the somewhere in question requires me to put on jeans or...eeek...actual pants....then chances are, I'm not on board.

Cake and Tater Tots

#7. 
That moment when you abandon your good intentions for eating a healthy, well-balanced lunch, and instead find yourself hovering over the kitchen counter, eating tater tots and 4-layer cake with buttercream frosting. 

Here's the thing, though: it's not that I don't understand what is healthy and what is not. I know exactly what I should be eating to nourish myself and baby.

But baby won't let me. What to Expect says I should be eating whole grains, veggies, fruit, 75 grams (!) of protein per day, and plenty of water. But this tiny junk-food addict inside me demands salty, fatty, buttery, sweet food.

Before my pregnancy, I would eat a spinach salad with tomatoes, artichokes, carrots, feta cheese, and sunflower seeds for lunch. Now, the only way I can stomach the idea of eating spinach, or anything green for that matter, is to hide some in a smoothie. I can eat carrots....dipped in ranch dressing. I can eat tomatoes...if they are made into a sauce and put onto a cheesy pizza.

I'm hoping that when the first trimester fades into the second, I'll regain my appetite for foods that have some nutritional value. For now, I'll keep hiding spinach wherever I can, and I'll definitely make my husband take the rest of this layer cake to work with him tomorrow.

Most embarrassing purchase of my life.

#6. 
That moment at Walmart when you realize you're going to have to make the most embarrassing purchase of your entire life. 

Self-checkout lanes, here I come. Really hoping I don't have to buy these items in combination again until at least 2055.

My hands won't work

#5.
That moment when you feel like either a toddler or a 90-year-old with arthritis, because your hands are refusing to form the correct shapes to button buttons, type on a keyboard, and hold a pen....and your handwriting has turned into nonsense scribble.

I think I need Velcro shoes.

Ogre Feet

#4. That moment when your feet stop looking human and start resembling Princess Fiona's ogre feet.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, this picture screams "Cankles! Swelling! Water weight!" 

A friend of mine who was recently reading this blog mentioned that to get the full effect of the swelling, I really needed to show a comparison photo of my feet under normal circumstances. So, here it is (ignore the horrendous lack of pedicure):

Really? It's almost midnight, and now you're ready to eat?

#3.
That moment when you're lying in bed at 11:30 p.m., starving because the thought of all foods grossed you out all day long, but suddenly the thought of warm, cheesy, fattening macaroni & cheese enters your mind and you must have it immediately.

Breathing Room

#2.
That moment when you get undressed and realize that while you may technically still fit into your non-maternity clothes, it may be time to make the switch.

Lesson: Never Buy the Single-Pack Pregnancy Test

#1. 

That moment when your pee just barely touches the stick and it's instantly positive, but then you worry it's wrong, because like an idiot, you only bought the single-pack Equate brand test. So you drive frantically to CVS five minutes until they close to buy an EPT test. 

It's not as if I truly doubted the Equate test. But at times like these, you really have to hand it to the marketing genius who suggested the name "EPT: The Error Proof Test." When you're standing in the "Family Planning" aisle of CVS at 8:55, knowing they close at 9:00, you want to be as sure as possible that you're pregnant. You're going to spend the $16.99 on the EPT 2-pack.

I drove 70 mph home, and took the test as soon as I could possibly get my pants down and hover awkwardly over the toilet. Unless two "Error Proof Tests" were indeed erroneous, I am PREGNANT. 

Pregnancy Can Be Hilarious

During my first pregnancy, I was so serious. I read all the books, signed my husband and I up for the birthing classes, and fretted about every new feeling. I'm now 10 weeks pregnant with my second child, and this time around I am resolved to take everything as it comes, enjoy it, and laugh at the things that are truly funny about being pregnant. As I began to think about it, I realized there are a lot of them....there are times I laugh out loud to myself about something that is happening to my body. There are times I can't do something, and instead of being frustrated, I now laugh at myself. If you are a mom or an expecting mom, I know you'll understand, sympathize, and relate to all those moments of pregnancy when there's nothing to do but have a good "belly" laugh.